It may be tempting to want to please a child pleading for a shiny, new smartphone. But if you’re a grandparent, family friend, or any loved one who is not the child’s parent, granting that wish could do more harm than good. Read on for the scary reasons why and for a list of non-tech gifts kids will also be excited to receive.
I’ve always held that giving a child a cellphone has more strings attached than the coolest pair of sneakers. But looking back, this 2014 post seems quaint and innocent. In the decade since, smartphones and their content have become extremely sophisticated—and downright treacherous for children.
Smartphone as delivery vehicle
I know a mom who has two young daughters. Since before they were born, we’ve talked about how she would introduce them to the digital world. She’s done a great job thoughtfully helping them balance the time they spend on technology with everything else they need to do to grow up confident and self-sufficient.
So I was surprised when she told me her 12-year-old had a smartphone. “My mother promised her a phone when she got to middle school,” she said with a sigh.
I asked if her daughter had social media. “Well, not really, except for Snapchat. She begged for it since everybody has it—and we said yes.”
I thought for a minute if I should tell her.
The tragic case of Sewell Setzer
That very day, I’d learned of a lawsuit filed over the death of 14-year-old Sewell Setzer.
When he was 13, he created a character on the interactive role-playing platform, Character AI. Soon after, Sewell fell in love.
He called what he had conjured up Dany, after the fictional “Game of Thrones” persona, Daenerys Targaryen.
As time passed, and his exchanges with Dany became more sexualized, Sewell began losing interest in school and family life. He told his worried mom there was no issue with his using AI “because it’s not a person.”
Yet, when Dany bade her “love” to “come home to me as soon as possible,” he granted her wish by committing suicide.
AI and children: a combustible mixture
Sewell accessed Character AI through his phone, which is the same way to access Snapchat, the social media platform.
It was in February of 2023, that the My AI chatbot appeared at the very top of Snapchat users’ chat lists. At first, My AI was a premium feature, but soon it was there for everyone.
Within hours of launch, reports surfaced that My AI was advising kids how to lie to their parents.
My AI is powered by a restricted version of OpenAI’s GPT and is not as brazenly interactive as Character AI.
Yet My AI can hold back-and-forth conversations, analyze messages and photos, and suggest a good place to get pizza after the game.
In a world where many young people are lonely, some tech developers claim artificial intelligence products can have value as forms of companionship. But as seen in Sewell’s case, the products can also be a destabilizing, unpredictable influence on young users’ mental health.
Snapchat users are hostage to AI
To make matters worse, My AI cannot be turned off unless users pay up. The only way to remove the chatbot is to buy a premium subscription.
Thankfully, it is possible to limit the reach My AI. CNET explains how to partially block the product’s access to user data. Turning off the Location feature also turns off location-based ads.
According to the VoiceBox special report, Coded Companions: Young People’s Relationships With AI Chat Bots, child advocates are trying to stop AI from being added to children’s products pending further safety research. Tristan Harris of the Center for Humane Technology looks in depth at the threat and Sewell’s case in this podcast about abusive chatbots.
More digital risks to children
Potential harms delivered by smartphones, tablets, and other personal digital devices are not limited to preteens and teens.
New research shows that preschoolers who habitually use tablets can develop self-control and anger management issues which intensify as the children get older.
Babies under age 3 who routinely use screen-based media can develop problems including language delay, sleep issues, and autistic-like behavior.
The bottom line is that giving a child a digital device is fraught and highly consequential. The decision should rest with those who are with the child on a day-in-day-out basis and know their situation and needs—typically the child’s parents.
So what’s a loved one to gift?
If you are a grandparent, beloved family friend, or other special someone, there may be nothing a child likes more than spending time with you. Outings together can not only be enjoyable, but also opportunities to help build a child’s knowledge base, skills, or durability.
As we know from U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, social media use among young people who have phones has led to an epidemic of loneliness and mental health issues. Something that soothes the soul may be a very needed gift, indeed.
As for toys, little kids’ thinking and creativity grow through playing with open-ended objects they can explore and manipulate, as opposed to electronic toys that often render children mere button-pushers.
Kid gift ideas for every age:
Gifts for Babies (ages 0 to 3)
Big soft blocks (Find more low-cost brain-building ideas on Durable Human’s curated baby gift list.)
529 education savings account contribution (For new arrivals before the gift-awareness stage)
Gift certificates for babysitting
Gifts for Preschoolers (ages 3 to 5)
Subscription to a monthly fun box, such as Little Passports.
DIY collection of kids’ art supplies (construction paper, child scissors, markers, glue stick, etc.)
Gift certificate for a picnic in the park and pair of GeoSafari Jr. Kidnoculars
Gifts for School Kids (ages 5 to 9)
Wooden spoon and kids’ cookbook
Subscription to Aquila, the Thinking Kid’s magazine
Gift certificate to a trampoline park
Gifts for Preteens (ages 9 to 12)
Woodburning set (for a slightly risky Christmas)
Gift certificate for an indoor sky-diving session
Gifts for Teens (ages 13 to 18)
Sunrise alarm clock/sound machine/nightlight (So they don’t need to have a phone in their bedroom)
Money soap with real cash inside
Explaining to parents why you won’t gift a smartphone
To help the giftee’s parents understand your non-tech choices, gift them with enlightenment.
NYU Professor Jonathan Haidt’s best-seller, The Anxious Generation, former online influencer Erin Loechner’s The Opt-Out Family, and How to Be a Durable Human are all primers on a tech-aware durable lifestyle.
About the author: Jenifer Joy Madden is the founder of DurableHuman.com, a certified digital wellness educator, and proud parent of three grownup durable humans.
