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If It’s Not Your Kid, Don’t Gift a Smartphone

Woman reaching out with wrapped holiday gift. Photo by Kira auf der hyde

It may be tempting to want to please a child pleading for a shiny, new smartphone. But if you’re a grandparent, family friend, or any loved one who is not the child’s parent, granting that wish could do more harm than good. Read on for the scary reasons why and for a list of non-tech gifts kids will also be excited to receive.

I’ve always held that giving a child a cellphone has more strings attached than the coolest pair of sneakers. But looking back, this 2014 post seems quaint and innocent. In the decade since, smartphones and their content have become extremely sophisticated—and downright treacherous for children.

Smartphone as delivery vehicle

I know a mom who has two young daughters. Since before they were born, we’ve talked about how she would introduce them to the digital world. She’s done a great job thoughtfully helping them balance the time they spend on technology with everything else they need to do to grow up confident and self-sufficient.

So I was surprised when she told me her 12-year-old had a smartphone. “My mother promised her a phone when she got to middle school,” she said with a sigh.

I asked if her daughter had social media. “Well, not really, except for Snapchat. She begged for it since everybody has it—and we said yes.”

I thought for a minute if I should tell her.

The tragic case of Sewell Setzer

That very day, I’d learned of a lawsuit filed over the death of 14-year-old Sewell Setzer.

When he was 13, he created a character on the interactive role-playing platform, Character AI. Soon after, Sewell fell in love.

He called what he had conjured up Dany, after the fictional “Game of Thrones” persona, Daenerys Targaryen.  

Actress Emilia Clarke in reclining position playing the Game of Thrones character Daenerys Targaryen
Actress Emilia Clarke playing Daenerys Targaryen. Photo by HDQWalls.com

As time passed, and his exchanges with Dany became more sexualized, Sewell began losing interest in school and family life. He told his worried mom there was no issue with his using AI “because it’s not a person.”

Yet, when Dany bade her “love” to “come home to me as soon as possible,” he granted her wish by committing suicide.

AI and children: a combustible mixture

Sewell accessed Character AI through his phone, which is the same way to access Snapchat, the social media platform. 

It was in February of 2023, that the My AI chatbot appeared at the very top of Snapchat users’ chat lists. At first, My AI was a premium feature, but soon it was there for everyone.

Within hours of launch, reports surfaced that My AI was advising kids how to lie to their parents.

Screen shot of Snapchat My AI chatbot conversation
From The Verge on February 27, 2023

My AI is powered by a restricted version of OpenAI’s GPT and is not as brazenly interactive as Character AI.

Yet My AI can hold back-and-forth conversations, analyze messages and photos, and suggest a good place to get pizza after the game.  

In a world where many young people are lonely, some tech developers claim artificial intelligence products can have value as forms of companionship. But as seen in Sewell’s case, the products can also be a destabilizing, unpredictable influence on young users’ mental health.

Snapchat users are hostage to AI

To make matters worse, My AI cannot be turned off unless users pay up. The only way to remove the chatbot is to buy a premium subscription.

Thankfully, it is possible to limit the reach My AI. CNET explains how to partially block the product’s access to user data. Turning off the Location feature also turns off location-based ads.

According to the VoiceBox special report, Coded Companions: Young People’s Relationships With AI Chat Bots, child advocates are trying to stop AI from being added to children’s products pending further safety research. Tristan Harris of the Center for Humane Technology looks in depth at the threat and Sewell’s case in this podcast about abusive chatbots.

More digital risks to children

Potential harms delivered by smartphones, tablets, and other personal digital devices are not limited to preteens and teens.

New research shows that preschoolers who habitually use tablets can develop self-control and anger management issues which intensify as the children get older.

Babies under age 3 who routinely use screen-based media can develop problems including language delay, sleep issues, and autistic-like behavior.

The bottom line is that giving a child a digital device is fraught and highly consequential. The decision should rest with those who are with the child on a day-in-day-out basis and know their situation and needs—typically the child’s parents.

So what’s a loved one to gift?

If you are a grandparent, beloved family friend, or other special someone, there may be nothing a child likes more than spending time with you. Outings together can not only be enjoyable, but also opportunities to help build a child’s knowledge base, skills, or durability.

As we know from U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, social media use among young people who have phones has led to an epidemic of loneliness and mental health issues. Something that soothes the soul may be a very needed gift, indeed.

As for toys, little kids’ thinking and creativity grow through playing with open-ended objects they can explore and manipulate, as opposed to electronic toys that often render children mere button-pushers.

Kid gift ideas for every age:

Gifts for Babies (ages 0 to 3)

Baby playing with big soft colorful blocks

Big soft blocks (Find more low-cost brain-building ideas on Durable Human’s curated baby gift list.)

529 education savings account contribution (For new arrivals before the gift-awareness stage)

Gift certificates for babysitting

Preschool child playing on floor with Little Passports subscription

Gifts for Preschoolers (ages 3 to 5)

Subscription to a monthly fun box, such as Little Passports.

DIY collection of kids’ art supplies (construction paper, child scissors, markers, glue stick, etc.)

Gift certificate for a picnic in the park and pair of GeoSafari Jr. Kidnoculars

Gifts for School Kids (ages 5 to 9)

Child holding wooden spoon

Wooden spoon and kids’ cookbook

Subscription to Aquila, the Thinking Kid’s magazine

Gift certificate to a trampoline park

Gifts for Preteens (ages 9 to 12)

Setup of child's telescope NASA Lunar Telescope

NASA Lunar Telescope

Woodburning set (for a slightly risky Christmas)

Gift certificate for an indoor sky-diving session

Gifts for Teens (ages 13 to 18)

Golden colored sunrise alarm clock

Sunrise alarm clock/sound machine/nightlight (So they don’t need to have a phone in their bedroom)

Money soap with real cash inside

Flight-worthy overnight bag

Explaining to parents why you won’t gift a smartphone

To help the giftee’s parents understand your non-tech choices, gift them with enlightenment.

NYU Professor Jonathan Haidt’s best-seller, The Anxious Generation, former online influencer Erin Loechner’s The Opt-Out Family, and How to Be a Durable Human are all primers on a tech-aware durable lifestyle.

About the author: Jenifer Joy Madden is the founder of DurableHuman.com, a certified digital wellness educator, and proud parent of three grownup durable humans.   

Preventing the Phone-Based Childhood: Attention Preschool Parents

Preschool aged child using tablet. Photo by Merrily Pierce

Though it seems little kids everywhere are on hand-held screens, scientists are just catching up with effects that digital devices have on growing minds.

A new study adds to increasing concerns for preschool parents.

Turns out that mobile device use can interfere with how preschool-aged children learn to manage their emotions. The more time on screens, the more a child tends to struggle with anger and frustration.    

“What we seem to be observing is the emergence possibly of a vicious cycle over time.”

That’s the word from Caroline Fitzpatrick, Canada’s research chair on the impact of digital media on children. The work of her team at Quebec’s University of Sherbrooke is in JAMA Pediatrics.

The Canadian Tablet Study

Sherbrooke followed more than 200 preschoolers—checking in on each one at ages 3, 4 and 5.

The more time 3-year-olds spent on mobile devices, the more they were prone to anger and frustration one year later.  

4-year-old device users with anger management issues used screens more as they got older.

“We found that by the age of 5, children with worse emotion regulation skills were spending more time using tablets,” reports Fitzpatrick.

3-year-old device users were most vulnerable to emotional upheaval.   

How Digital Pacifiers Backfire  

Though Fitzpatrick’s team studied only tablet use, she reports, “We can reasonably extrapolate to smartphones because mobile devices and smartphones share a lot of the same features.”   

Fitzpatrick concedes that handing over a device may defuse a blowup in the moment, but her study shows that so-called digital pacifiers make it more difficult for the child in the long run.

“This might not be a good long-term strategy because when children use an external means to regulate their emotions, they’re not provided the opportunity to develop internal strategies for managing their emotions.”

Why Kids Need to Self-regulate

As exhausted new parents can attest, infants cannot control their tempers.  

Normally, though, “emotion management skills evolve very quickly during the preschool years,” explains Fitzpatrick.

Kids need these intrinsic skills to be able to do things like sit down and listen, be patient for short periods, and play with other kids.

When a child is focused on a screen, he or she can miss chances to build emotion skills, such as direct instruction from caregivers and watching how caregivers manage their own emotions.

Tablets Not Seen as Educational

Beyond harms to social-emotional development, mobile devices have little value as teaching tools.  

“There are very few documented educational benefits of having a tablet,” reports Fitzpatrick.  

For preschool parents concerned their kids won’t have technical skills without a digital device, she says not to worry: “The tablet is so intuitive to use that there’s no sensitive window for becoming accustomed to that type of technology, so children will easily develop those competencies later on.”

Asked whether a child “needs” a tablet, she responds, “Children, typically at a younger age will not know what they’re missing. So, I think parents could delay the introduction of digital devices in children’s lives.”

Benefits of Books and Imaginary Play

The author's grandson in imaginary play

Not using a device gives young children more time “to engage in a variety of activities and interactions with other children. And caregivers should promote strong emotion regulation skills and social competence skills,” in Fitzgerald’s words.

These are her favorites for emotional muscle-building:

Shared book reading: “Where you discuss the emotions that characters might be experiencing and what somebody might be feeling.” See more on reading’s many benefits for kids of all ages.

Imaginary play: “Children can adopt the perspective of a character. This is wonderful for them to build their empathy.”

For preschool parents to survive screen-free in restaurants and travel away from home: “Crayons and paper can work wonders in these kinds of situations and are also likely to be a lot more favorable for children to develop creativity skills, fine motor skills, planning skills. Or [bring] the child’s favorite toy or a picture book to look at.”

Being able to play outdoors also makes kids more durable in mind, body, and spirit.

You Can Parent Differently  

In his best-seller, The Anxious Generation, NYU Professor Jonathan Haidt describes the dire state of older kids’ mental health.

He points to the culprit: too many children were not emotionally ready for all they would encounter on internet-connected mobile devices.

Their parents couldn’t know the consequences of providing those devices. But preschool parents are different.

You can learn from their experience and the reams of new findings.

Emotional dysregulation is only one disruption associated with early and excessive exposure to devices.

Research is pouring in from all over the world on developmental difficulties for babies and very young children ranging from language delay, autistic-like behavior, to changes in brain structure.  

And—just like for tweens and teens—media made for little children is sticky.

Many apps and programs use manipulative tricks to keep young viewers glued to the screen, as shown by Dr. Jenny Radesky’s research team at University of Michigan Medical School.

When online, kids may also stumble upon scary and adult content.

Act Now

You can stop your little one from falling into the trap of what Haidt terms “the phone-based childhood.”  

You can wait to give your child a device.

Children need to know their own OS first. That is, how their minds and bodies operate.

They also need as much time as they can get to discover their own unique treasure trove of interests and abilities.

As I wrote in the 2013 Durable Human Manifesto:

Early childhood is the only time in life when a person is completely free to discover his or her native gifts. 

I’m not saying that gifts of tablets and apps are not amazing, but their time will come.

To chart your path for how you’ll introduce your child to the digital world, I highly recommend Erin Loechner’s The Opt-Out Family.

Erin is a former online influencer who left it all behind. She uses Silicon Valley’s most effective tactics to help you create a rich and unplugged home environment, custom made to your own values.  

The American Academy of Pediatrics and the World Health Organization both advise holding off on exposing your child to digital devices until at least age two, except for video calls with loved ones.

Older than age two, any screen time should be less than one hour a day, preferably with you by your child’s side to help them understand what they see.

And break up that hour into smaller chunks.

“Children need a break—especially small children—for their eyes and for their posture. So, it’s a good idea to separate this 1 hour into bursts of 15 or 20 minutes, or half an hour.”

The KISS Principle

But keeping track of those chunks of time is a hassle, especially if the kids are going to be more of a handful. 

From a purely practical perspective, I agree with Fitzpatrick. Just keep it simple.  

“It’s always easier to prevent than to intervene. So, if the child is not asking for a tablet, there’s no necessity for the child to have a tablet.”

Watch my interview with Dr. Fitzpatrick:

Durable Human book covers

About the author:

Jenifer Joy Madden is a certified digital wellness educator, health journalist and founder of DurableHuman.com. She is the mother of three grownup practicing durable humans, one of whom has a little one in training.

Be an Ed-tech Skeptic: 10 Ways Teachers Can Heal the Broken Classroom

2 students at desks with paper books open in classroom with teacher hand on one of their shoulders photo by Katerina Holmes on Pexels

“Technology is just not adding value in the classroom.”

Heads nodded among the teachers who filled our audience at SXSW EDU 2024.

At the Austin, Texas conference—where sessions seemed All About A.I.—our talk, “Log-off and Learn: Healing the Broken Classroom”, stood apart.

My co-presenter, award-winning child advocate Lisa Cline, quoted the 2023 UNESCO report, Technology in Education: a Tool on Whose Terms: “There is little robust evidence on digital technology’s added value in education.”

And this: “A lot of the evidence comes from those trying to sell it.”

Despite the billions in federal money that flowed to U.S. schools to support remote learning during COVID, Lisa had the sad reality check: “Math and reading skills are at their lowest in decades.”

Even before the pandemic, as smartphones proliferated among children, their academic, mental, and physical health began a decline—dragging down their ability to be happy and content.

That is why, Lisa and I believe, students have become less available for learning.

The Real Ed-tech Story

Lisa defines ed-tech as “The Chromebooks, the iPads. It’s the hardware and it’s the software. It’s Naviance, Pear Deck, Flipgrid, of course Google. And these are all very much for-profit companies.”

Collectively, Lisa continues, “they make $340 billion a year here in the U.S.”

She ticks off reasons why wholesale adoption of ed-tech can be a losing proposition.

Continue reading

Congress and Angry Parents Make Progress Fighting Social Media Harms. You Can, too.

Teen girl lying in bed looking at her phone

Social media platforms may soon need to acquiesce to the demands of Congress and upset parents. 

The prospect comes after the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee called for testimony by Snap, X, TikTok, Discord, and Meta.

As their executives responded to angry questioning, parents stood silently behind them, holding up photographs of their children whose deaths are related to using the platforms.

“You have blood on your hands,” ranking member Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) accused Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg as the hearing began. “You have a product that’s killing people.”  

Continue reading

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